Deterioration

I quit my job and it felt a bit exhilirating. A little scary but mostly a feeling of being so so right. I had the occasional inkling that it was too soon, I needed to stick it out a little more, but I had no idea that at 4am the day after my final working day, 6 weeks after making the decision to quit, reading the farewell message I would be so panicky and freaked out that I'd stuffed it all up.

I thought of all the stupid decisions I'd made because of my stupid phobia about committment, about my need to throw back in the face of authority to show my adolescent independence. That then progressed to me being single and fucking up any possibility of intimacy with anyone who showed a remote interest in me.

I fucked it up with someone I was in love with, the very same night we had sex for the first time, after 5 long years of pining for him. He invited me to his wedding 2 years later. Even though I know nothing is ever going to happen between us, some days my mind wanders and I wonder. Wonder if it will. Wonder about what would have happened if I'd not acted nonchalant about the best sex I've ever had . Wonder if I'd admitted these feelings to him, or to anyone when it really mattered and not years later.

I wonder if I'm ever going to sort it out.

I had a day off work and it was gloriously sunny. I went to the park and read a book. A guy came around and started to chat me up. He was nice enough but I stuck my nose in my book and gave him two word answers. Do I really have no social skills after all these years? God what the hell is wrong with me.

Blah.