Boobs

It took me a long time to come to terms with myself. I am deeply flawed and it is an effort to ignore the flaws and horrors most days.

About 5 years ago I lived with a guy called Matt. I called him Eleven. As in, out of ten he was an Eleven. I was totally smitten. Every weekend we'd watch DVDs together and just being near him was exhilirating. He was a great big slut, seriously. He knew it, we all knew it. The girls just let themselves believe he wasn't but deep down they knew it. It was horrible living with him, liking him so much but trying to not feel it, or at least not show it because it would cause housemate armageddon really. He was one of the most charming and disarmingly honest people I've ever met. I miss him.

Crush aside, Matt was the person who introduced me to my boobs. And for that, I thank him.

He talked about them alot. He said very sweet (actually mostly dirty) things about the way my boobs looked in a particular top, or the amount of cleavage showing, or just in general about boobs when there was nothing else to talk about. At the time it was quite awkward, I didn't know how to react, I wondered if it meant he liked me. Yes, he liked me but he didn't like like me though as I heartbreakingly came to realise.

I never believed him until many years later. Even now I don't think they're super fantastic, it'd be nice to have bigger boobs, but I'm pretty happy with what I have. In the past 6 months, at least 3 men and 7 female friends have talked about my boobs to my face. It still makes me slightly uncomfortable, but I do believe them when they admire em. Though I still think I need to go up at least 2 cup sizes in order for them to have the phwoooooar! quality. Still, it's one thing at least I can be thankful for. That and good supporting bras.

I really should name the twins something decent.

Appeased

After a fortnight from hell following 6 months of horror, this Easter Long Weekend has revived me. I made sure I didn't have to see anyone, was so glad not to speak to anyone and finally my internal monologue has helped me to come to a decision. It feels good.

I also cleaned up the entire house. It's like my apartment and my inner self are in synch and everything feels good with the world.

My flatmate came back. Bit envious and wistful for the young romance she is currently embarking on. I can't remember a time when it was exciting to be with someone and that your every waking moment was thinking about them and wanting to be with them. It feels like an utter lifetime ago. I don't even know if I ever had a proper one - just lots of longing and then stuffing it up badly.

Girl Crush

Her name is Kate and I am smitten.

Rolling back the clock a coupla days, perhaps even a year? I hate having my hair cut, especially in snooty places that think they are too cool. It's like you have to get a haircut to qualify for not being snootied at just to go there to pay zillions to get em to chop some more. Anyway, it stresses me out because I never really know what I want when I go in there, I just know I need it cut and seeing as they are the experts, they should do what they think is best. But when I say that, I just get snootied on because I'm not cool enough to know what is cool. I say non-chalance is cool in my world stupid snooty people.

So, I finally head to this place that was recommended to me. I haven't had my hair cut properly in about 2 years. I was stressing but the snooty man who made my appointment wasn't the one doing my hair (clearly I was not cool enough to qualify to be touched by his awesomeness). An uber-babe with jet black hair, sparkling blue eyes, freckles and dressed in a fab stripy-at-the-top/black-at-the-bottom strapless dress was my hairdresser. She was so nice and somehow the combination that would usually come off really negatively (because I am a judgemental bitch) but she was just bouncey and happy and it really worked.

She was also really nice. And likes Peanut Butter Disaster Serendipity Ice Cream and other random combinations of food. And she made my hair look nice and flouncy (until I slept on it and didn't style it). And she didn't judge me when I was all blah vague and couldn't answer simple questions like what shampoo do you use? did you work yesterday?

After meeting her, I so want to be like her. Her essence was infectious. I was smiling at randoms on the street (and realised wow there are quite a lot of hot guys in my area that I never noticed before because I was too growly in my own little internal monologue).

She made me see there is a light and I need to stop being so grrrrr.

Oh and the hairdressers had a puppy! Well a dog that slept and occasionally snored. I love it. Totally can't wait to get my hair cut again.

Bleeurh

Not sure why the absence of someone who I wasn't even sure I liked and who kind of annoyed me is making me a little sad. Imagine I actually liked him, gee, it would hurt like hell. I only have a vague recollection now of His absence and even the memory makes me recoil.

But it's not exactly living is it. He's married now. Bastard.