Alone

Why can't I like nice charming people? Why do I just want to run away and be in my solitary ice castle?

Or maybe I should just think the opposite - that it's the world and all its so called ideals that' are fucked up, not me.

Ho-bag

Committed shameful acts last night.

The bits inbetween

I've been trying to figure out my life my entire life. I think even as a little kid I was searching, seeking it. But just when it feels like it's there, just there, within reach..... it eludes me. I got the same feeling just now, had a day off with just me and my thoughts. It's been ages since I've had that.

Then I watched Almost Famous. Such a cute movie, wistful, hopeful, and feels so very sincere. Like all the books and movies and life moments that stir the deepest emotions, it wasn't bombardment of the obvious. It had the wonderful bits inbetween, the unspoken bits, the looks between characters, the way we have to interpret the little things that could mean so many things but deep down, the truth of it feels so real and right. That little lottery, that extra bit of sparkle that makes it. You can't often create it, sometimes it really does just happen on the spot.

Meh. Too pretentious huh.

But somehow today feels like the day that something happens.

Frenemy

I've recently become friends with someone who is a very sassy woman. She is what many (including myself) consider to be oozing sex appeal in the traditional sense: blonde, blue-eyed, smart, and generally gorgeous. Super funny too. One of her oldest and best friends moved to Australia with her and while I'm sure they love each other, boy is there a lot of frenemism going on there.

I totally get why L complains about Miss Sassy stealing all the sunshine, all the attention from anything with a penis. I have experienced it my entire life, because my friends have more often than not been gorgeous but also lovely people and the world gravitates towards them. As opposed to negative bitches like me. But I revel in my bitter world. I love the fact that I am single and don't have to pander to anyone's ideas of perfection.

Sassy complains about L telling shitty stories about her in public, or yelling about Sassy's boyfriend as soon as a hot guy comes within earshot. And yet, the hot guy will totally fall over themselves to tell Sassy to keep them in mind whenever she ditches her stud, while L fumes in the background.

Sassy thinks L is overreacting. Sassy thinks that she is completely non-chalant and not at all encouraging any boy to hit on her and my god no of course she doesn't flirt. I didn't want to say it but wow, even then I was totally siding with L on that count. I did, in a brief moment of guilty doubt, think that perhaps she didn't realise it, and that she wasn't intentionally doing it but just that her other amazing attributes were the reason boys were so keen on her.

I know now that theory is quite wrong after Friday night. Ended up being me and Sassy at the bar after everyone else from work had ditched us. I can't remember how but two randoms joined us and it was a joyous night of us putting the boys in their rightful place (at the bottom of our Megolomaniacal world where we rule) and having lots of shared laughs.

Sassy talks with the average looking "Irish" (ie Aussie through and through except for his passport) bloke, who totally wants to score with her. Most of the night when his Kiwi buddy (who from memory was also average but could pass for hot once his awful Movember face fluff was gone) wasn't roaming striking up random conversations with people, me and him discussed various things including running through the entire cast and special guests of Entourage I would shag over Eric (pretty much everyone except Gary Busey). It was a fun and random conversation. And I think then she senses something is amiss, that someone is not throwing attention her way and that someone is the marginally hotter guy who was talking to me.

As soon as this happens, Sassy is repeatedly hugging him, saying how much she loves his humour, how he is going to be her new best friend and they are going shopping every day and thery will be totally BFF. She gets his phone and puts her number in it and demands that he take her shopping tomorrow so they can buy hot clothes together.

"Irish" boy at this stage is aghast that whatever shot he thought he had with her is totally gone. I wasn't even interested in the Kiwi. But suddenly I was a bit pissed off that she'd doing exactly what L has been saying and very very vigourously.

Coupled with her also targetting my best friend at work (who I've come to consider my "work spouse") once she dumps her boyfriend, I feel like I am actively turning into a frenemy myself. Growing up with 3 brothers I never had to deal with the bitchy competitiveness of sisters. I think I may lose the frenemy battle but I think it's an challenge I'm choosing to take up.

And by the way Kiwi got my number and asked me out. How random. Which proves my long held theory that I only ever like shitheads who won't like me back, but randoms I am not interested in have the same luck in trying with me.

Cashed up

Every job I've had, I've somehow fallen into. The only job I actively pursued was at Virgin (mostly because I was just about broke and it was the first job I found online while I was 4 months into a 6 month trip in Syria). I got the job. And just from about day 1, I tried to quit. 18 months later I finally did.

Then I somehow land my current job as a result of the best friend of someone I worked with sending me an email about it. And as much as I bitch about it, it's probably the perfect job for me, or at least I am just about the perfect person for the role being that I don't care about screaming loonies and find it rather amusing.

It's weird now working in a place that almost every other job has given me experience for. The training and recruitment at ABC, the quirky emails at Boden, the interviewing at Research International, the coding at AC Nielsen, combined with the loose connection to my university degree that I only chose to do so I could say stuff it to my parents because they didn't know what it was I was doing. Then the complaints stuff at Virgin.

I fall into a supervisor job here. Actively tell my manager how much I hate being supervisor. He lets me go part time, which will still earn me A LOT more than I did slogging my arse off at Virgin.

Now they're pretty much setting me up for a new job that is more than double what I used to earn 18 months ago.... I pretty much just have to say OK and it's mine.

It's so weird.

If only the rest of my life was handed to me on a silver platter.

If you're out there God or the good life fairy or whatever you're called, please send me a hot hot hot fireman with a Scottish accent, who trained as a masseuse and loves to cook 5-star gourmet food my way. Thanks in advance!

Escape

All I can dream about lately is running away and not having to deal with the people in my life. The best times of my life have been when I've been travelling, living randomly the gypsy life, bouncing from one town to another country, somehow finding my way through the drunken haze to a brilliant epiphany.

I miss that life soooooo much.