Stupid ads

I'm not sure why mucus has to be personified. Whoever the hell thought up this ad concept must be a freak.

I sure hope lots of people have complained about it and the freak got fired.

New office crush

Well, not so new really.

I always felt drawn to him in the 2 years since I've been here but it was only just on the tip of my consciousness. Mostly because I only ever see him once a month or so. He's the bad, asshole, cheat on his wife, macho, heartbreaker ex-cop type with a gentle side that he obviously just plays up to make him seem to have a non-ass side. And somehow that is sort of my type, god knows why.

I used to go visit the desk of someone who used to work in my team but moved over to his team. Looking back now, half the motivation for my visits were to see him. I could see him smile a bit out of my peripheral vision at all the random things me and RDB would be blabbing about.

She told me that he was married with 2 kids, but it was well known that he'd had affairs with 2 other women in the office who ended up leaving out of heartbreak. She told me he was misogynistic and bullying of any woman that didn't fit his criteria of what a woman should be. I was like a junkie for all this, conveniently ignoring the reality of all the horrible stuff and fuelled my crush some more.

I can pick him out immediately from the 200 people that show up for our staff meetings. I'd look forward to the days he would be rostered on for intake or if he had meetings on our floor so there'd be a chance to see him, if only briefly. All those miniscule little things gave me a little pep to my day.

Lately he's been emailing back flirty little random things when I need to pass messages on. And he makes eye contact and smiles at me at those staff meetings. It's a bit weird but now I don't know what to do with the crush. It was much easier when it was just one way from me and he could be the embodiment of ultimate unrequited crush perfectness. But now, the reality check has come in. I don't want anything to do with him. I just liked having a mini fantasy to break up the monotony of the day.

Boobs again

My half wish has half come true. Somehow while I was day dreaming I moved up a cup size to a C. Still pretty average but yay anyway, I didn't think much development ever happened this long after adolescence.

Boobs

It took me a long time to come to terms with myself. I am deeply flawed and it is an effort to ignore the flaws and horrors most days.

About 5 years ago I lived with a guy called Matt. I called him Eleven. As in, out of ten he was an Eleven. I was totally smitten. Every weekend we'd watch DVDs together and just being near him was exhilirating. He was a great big slut, seriously. He knew it, we all knew it. The girls just let themselves believe he wasn't but deep down they knew it. It was horrible living with him, liking him so much but trying to not feel it, or at least not show it because it would cause housemate armageddon really. He was one of the most charming and disarmingly honest people I've ever met. I miss him.

Crush aside, Matt was the person who introduced me to my boobs. And for that, I thank him.

He talked about them alot. He said very sweet (actually mostly dirty) things about the way my boobs looked in a particular top, or the amount of cleavage showing, or just in general about boobs when there was nothing else to talk about. At the time it was quite awkward, I didn't know how to react, I wondered if it meant he liked me. Yes, he liked me but he didn't like like me though as I heartbreakingly came to realise.

I never believed him until many years later. Even now I don't think they're super fantastic, it'd be nice to have bigger boobs, but I'm pretty happy with what I have. In the past 6 months, at least 3 men and 7 female friends have talked about my boobs to my face. It still makes me slightly uncomfortable, but I do believe them when they admire em. Though I still think I need to go up at least 2 cup sizes in order for them to have the phwoooooar! quality. Still, it's one thing at least I can be thankful for. That and good supporting bras.

I really should name the twins something decent.

Appeased

After a fortnight from hell following 6 months of horror, this Easter Long Weekend has revived me. I made sure I didn't have to see anyone, was so glad not to speak to anyone and finally my internal monologue has helped me to come to a decision. It feels good.

I also cleaned up the entire house. It's like my apartment and my inner self are in synch and everything feels good with the world.

My flatmate came back. Bit envious and wistful for the young romance she is currently embarking on. I can't remember a time when it was exciting to be with someone and that your every waking moment was thinking about them and wanting to be with them. It feels like an utter lifetime ago. I don't even know if I ever had a proper one - just lots of longing and then stuffing it up badly.

Girl Crush

Her name is Kate and I am smitten.

Rolling back the clock a coupla days, perhaps even a year? I hate having my hair cut, especially in snooty places that think they are too cool. It's like you have to get a haircut to qualify for not being snootied at just to go there to pay zillions to get em to chop some more. Anyway, it stresses me out because I never really know what I want when I go in there, I just know I need it cut and seeing as they are the experts, they should do what they think is best. But when I say that, I just get snootied on because I'm not cool enough to know what is cool. I say non-chalance is cool in my world stupid snooty people.

So, I finally head to this place that was recommended to me. I haven't had my hair cut properly in about 2 years. I was stressing but the snooty man who made my appointment wasn't the one doing my hair (clearly I was not cool enough to qualify to be touched by his awesomeness). An uber-babe with jet black hair, sparkling blue eyes, freckles and dressed in a fab stripy-at-the-top/black-at-the-bottom strapless dress was my hairdresser. She was so nice and somehow the combination that would usually come off really negatively (because I am a judgemental bitch) but she was just bouncey and happy and it really worked.

She was also really nice. And likes Peanut Butter Disaster Serendipity Ice Cream and other random combinations of food. And she made my hair look nice and flouncy (until I slept on it and didn't style it). And she didn't judge me when I was all blah vague and couldn't answer simple questions like what shampoo do you use? did you work yesterday?

After meeting her, I so want to be like her. Her essence was infectious. I was smiling at randoms on the street (and realised wow there are quite a lot of hot guys in my area that I never noticed before because I was too growly in my own little internal monologue).

She made me see there is a light and I need to stop being so grrrrr.

Oh and the hairdressers had a puppy! Well a dog that slept and occasionally snored. I love it. Totally can't wait to get my hair cut again.

Bleeurh

Not sure why the absence of someone who I wasn't even sure I liked and who kind of annoyed me is making me a little sad. Imagine I actually liked him, gee, it would hurt like hell. I only have a vague recollection now of His absence and even the memory makes me recoil.

But it's not exactly living is it. He's married now. Bastard.

Over it

Maybe it's just because of all the publicity over it but I seriously think I must be bi-polar. Today I have been up and down and up and down 15 times. Seriously low lows and some sort of highs.

I really hate everything at the moment.

The past few months have been so hard.

I just want to do nothing. But I can't, I have to keep plugging away.

And the person I didn't think I'd ever need is someone I need right now. Because the inspiration for this page will never be mine.

Blah.

Whore bag

May have inadvertently started something I want nothing to do with and now I have to find a way to fix it fast, without crushing a friendship.

Although that friendship has been sorely tested of late with her sending so many awful barbed proddings my way. Not sure if this has anything to do with the new start, or just that we have grown apart. She seems to judge the fact that I like having a few drinks with people I like and it stops at a few drinks with everyone lightly buzzed, and that I don't want to get totally fucking wasted just for the sake of getting absolutely wasted. I stopped being 21 many years ago thank you.

Gday Jen

Way back when this all started some 7 or 8 years ago, I used to email Jen Lindley. Yes, the fictional TV character. The TV show had started up this interactive website and you could email her. Not that I actually believed I was emailing her - I did understand she was not a real person and the email was either being junked or laughed at by some producer or assistant.

ANYWAY. I have started rewatching all of Dawson's Creek again. Firstly, boy are they fucking annoying. I can't believe I used to be in a place where their stories resonated with me. Secondly, Joey Potter has one way of showing emotion and that is to scowl and hunch and wrinkle herself. Glad she developed a little more emotional acting depth in the years to come because wow, terrible terrible performances from her.

Thirdly, because I am now nearing the second half of season 3 with the Pacey-Joey thing starting to become really intense and it reminded me of why I started writing, especially in light of the hugely turmoiling (is that even a word?) last few weeks. Well, Jack and Jen are so cute together, and I still kind of feel that urge to be emailing Jen Lindley. I'm going to ignore the fact that 1) she is fictional and 2) (warning Spoiler!) she dies in the last episode.

I had a Henry/Hank in my life this last month. It was strange and all I did was mess with his head without even realising it. I'm an unintentional bitch.

My brother is a C

My brother has always been a little weird. Not the weird-awkward, or clumsy-awkward. He was always pretty popular and sporty. It was more his mean streak that made him weird. From the time I was 9 til I was about 14 (when he finally moved away) he used to make me write lines for every pedantic thing that annoyed him that day and banned me from watching any TV. My parents let him go with it. Yes, my parents are weird too but there's too much going on with them I can't even begin to write about.

So the past few years I've seen him maybe 4 times. On one of those occasions was my other brother's WEDDING DAY. He called me up 15 minutes before the ceremony to tell me to tell my other brother and my parents that he decided to go to work instead and not to the wedding. Even if he was working, his building was 2 minutes from where the wedding was. I couldn't believe it.

Oh the other thing about weddings is that he returned from a trip to Korea with who we thought was his then girlfriend. A month later, he casually goes "oh, so do you want to see my wedding photos from when we got married in Korea?" Mum and dad were furious because they would have loved to have gone to the wedding. Seriously who does that?

My mum worries about us all. And the rest of us visit every few weeks. She calls us if she is in a frantic worrying way, we talk for a few minutes and then it's all good. She calls him every month or so and he never picks up and then she gets freaked and I have to email him to call her. About 6 months ago he told her he'd changed his number, so mum asks him for the new number and he refuses to give it to her. I know... WHO DOES THAT??

I know my parents are hard to deal with sometimes but these days they don't ask for much or demand as much as they used to. Yes, the occasional lecture comes in but they don't go for nearly as long as they used to either. These stupid games or whatever he's playing are ridiculous.

For the past 8 months, he has avoided mum and dad's calls. If on the occasion someone actually picks up, it's his wife saying he's just popped out or his phone died or he's at work. Sometimes mum would ask to drop by when she was in town shopping but you guessed it "He's at work." Usually the excuse is "He's at work". I for one think it is such bullshit. He was never that conscientious ever before.

A couple of weeks ago, we emailed him to come visit grandpa in hospital because he was pretty ill. No replies, no answers to calls. After grandpa passed away, we emailed and called again. Still nothing. At this stage I just though my brother died and forgot to tell us...

A week after this, he finally replies that he moved to Hong Kong 6 months ago and he won't be coming to the funeral. That's it. That's all he says in his shitty email. What. The. Fuck.

So all these games they are playing, when his wife said he just popped out and won't be back from work til late blah blah blah. It was all blatant lies. And it really makes me wonder what the fuck his secret is.

Me crush you

Hot phwooarr guy from work will be spending the next two Tuesdays in my team. And the only spare seat is next to me in my little pod. Yay!

I'm just hoping I'm not the doofus, tongue-tied, starer with the awkward non-sequitors tomorrow like I have been around him lately.

God, why I does everything go to mush around a crush? So ridiculous. I don't even really want to be with him.

Also garlic makes you fart.

Non-sequitor grossness. Great...

Alone

Why can't I like nice charming people? Why do I just want to run away and be in my solitary ice castle?

Or maybe I should just think the opposite - that it's the world and all its so called ideals that' are fucked up, not me.

Ho-bag

Committed shameful acts last night.

The bits inbetween

I've been trying to figure out my life my entire life. I think even as a little kid I was searching, seeking it. But just when it feels like it's there, just there, within reach..... it eludes me. I got the same feeling just now, had a day off with just me and my thoughts. It's been ages since I've had that.

Then I watched Almost Famous. Such a cute movie, wistful, hopeful, and feels so very sincere. Like all the books and movies and life moments that stir the deepest emotions, it wasn't bombardment of the obvious. It had the wonderful bits inbetween, the unspoken bits, the looks between characters, the way we have to interpret the little things that could mean so many things but deep down, the truth of it feels so real and right. That little lottery, that extra bit of sparkle that makes it. You can't often create it, sometimes it really does just happen on the spot.

Meh. Too pretentious huh.

But somehow today feels like the day that something happens.