Housekeeping News

I started to clean out my inbox today. It was strange to read these emails which I had once written/received. They all seemed new to me, each one a new surprise. My memory.... it's strange these days. I'm 22 and I feel like I've never lived, the person whose memories I have..... they feel placed there, rather than having been lived through.

It was not so hard to delete some. I don't remember why I kept them. Obviously they meant something to me at the time, because I know I've not been an obsessive keeper -- just of the emails I felt warranted keeping. But reading some, I don't know why they're there. I had trouble deleting Tiny's. There was such pain in them. I didn't want to read the over-eloquent missives. I'm not sure if I'll ever have the patience to do so, but I just couldn't willy-nilly get rid of them. Tiny and I don't even talk anymore. I haven't seen Tiny in years.

I've been bad with friendships. I've been bad in general. I've let my mind wander too much -- always felt something else was greater than the present, than the immediate surroundings. I never live, but only dream of living. And of reliving past moments. It's why Alex's lips, Oliver's hair -- the memory of it is so vivid, so tantalising still. They seem more real than the real.