Update

So I got this reminder email, or that someone else tried to get into this website.

Life moves on. I still feel the same about men and relationships but this time I think I might actually be ready. I don't feel the need to run anymore.

I feel silly for running away from Phil and Alex after years of infatuation. I wish I'd tried harder.

Regulatory Declaration

Rules:
* Never date a friend's ex.
* Never date the friend of an ex.
(-subrule) A snog is ok, as long as it's a snog and it's stopped soon after realisation of the Rules, and ain't repeated.
* As first two rules, but involving Siblings.
* Never date your sibling either.

Preferences:
* Taller (ie above 175cm / 5'9")
* Not so much a fan of blondes.
* Male
* Or on occasion a willowy, lefthander
* Lefthandedness
* Can take the piss (and go out on the piss -- never trust a non-drinker)
* Aussieness
* Laughter
* Not an office job

It Changed

I think when I started this, I was still dealing with unresolved issues with guys I liked. I mentioned Phil before. But I actually don't miss him, or want him. It's the idea of him, the fact that I couldn't have him that made me want him. But now, he's just another someone. An acquaintance. And the idea of being more than friends is starting to creep me out. It just wouldn't be right.

I couldn't really handle falling for someone who would be with other women all the time.

Emailing Fictional TV Characters

I thought this would be less crazy than emailing fictional TV characters. As bizarre as it may be, I found that emailing the email of Jen Lindley, from The Beek's Creek, was very therapeutic. Just someone I could rant to, without the repercussions of having some lame/dodgy/pity/arrogant response. It was nice to be able to write to a Person (and yes, I do realise that she was a TV character, and that either no one, or else some web geek running the site would read it), to write as if a dialogue was going on. I never had to do it regularly, just when things were on my mind that needed her quiet ear.

A journal never really did it for me. It was good, but finding a Fictional TV Character to email, was much much better. Blogging is of the journal realm. It;s just for me, and it;s self pitying and doesn't give me an insight into how the world might see things. Which is what writing to Jen Lindley makes me do.

Eh. Maybe I am just crazy.

Ha

Yes, I've fixed the time thing.

Note to self -- don't add 17 hours from here on in.

Hmmm, as a matter of fact it's just changed all the times. That's nice.

Just Noticed

Hmmmm.... the time, it's wrong.

Note to self -- add 17 hours to everything.

Housekeeping News

I started to clean out my inbox today. It was strange to read these emails which I had once written/received. They all seemed new to me, each one a new surprise. My memory.... it's strange these days. I'm 22 and I feel like I've never lived, the person whose memories I have..... they feel placed there, rather than having been lived through.

It was not so hard to delete some. I don't remember why I kept them. Obviously they meant something to me at the time, because I know I've not been an obsessive keeper -- just of the emails I felt warranted keeping. But reading some, I don't know why they're there. I had trouble deleting Tiny's. There was such pain in them. I didn't want to read the over-eloquent missives. I'm not sure if I'll ever have the patience to do so, but I just couldn't willy-nilly get rid of them. Tiny and I don't even talk anymore. I haven't seen Tiny in years.

I've been bad with friendships. I've been bad in general. I've let my mind wander too much -- always felt something else was greater than the present, than the immediate surroundings. I never live, but only dream of living. And of reliving past moments. It's why Alex's lips, Oliver's hair -- the memory of it is so vivid, so tantalising still. They seem more real than the real.